st. arnold schwarzenegger, gabriel byrne, fairuza balk
This is the worst film of the millennium.Sorry for such a ridiculous introduction, but if End of Days is going to get rich off all things 2000-related, I might as well get my delayed piece of the hype-pie. But wait, there s more.
Remember those films that remind you that the cinema is the apex of the visual arts (briefly, oh so briefly), when it's a form that contains only the most vital, refined, brilliant, inspired things. Scripts are beautifully designed, the plotting is airtight and the atmosphere sticks with after you leave the cinema. This description only really encompasses one type of cinema, but when it's done well it can be as good as any Film Festival effort you care to mention. Now take a gander at this collection of second hand jokes and third rate gasconade, the kind of thing that television would reject in a second (maybe). The special effects are faintly impressive, but not really that special, not really lovable things that give out a giggle when poked in the belly. Add to this utterly flat direction, no visual imagination whatsoever (bless you Hyams) and plotting so clumsy that five year olds should groan as the next plot "twist" clicked into inevitable position. This was not the case however, and not a single infant let out a woeful wail as this film worked its tired magic. The audience loved it, a packed cinema oohing and ahhing the whole predictable way. After the movie my sister told me to shut up and stop analysing everything. That s a good sign that the film has successfully lobotomised the audience. We drove home in utter silence.
Why is this film so witless, so lethargic? I know what you're saying, it s only an Arnie film right, so why should I expect so much? I've asked this before, but to press a point: How hard is it exactly to make a skillful, well scripted, faintly original film with millions of dollars and hundreds of talented people waiting in the wings. Nah, let's just hand it over to Hyams and Arnie and watch them drain every ounce of life out of this delicious little commercial juggernaut.
(...and as she swooned towards me, drunk as an ex-PM, she quoted the film. I was faintly interested in this display of futile memory, but it struck me as impossibly tragic, and I couldn t bring myself to look directly in her eyes. She continued: "End of Days said it all for me. It expressed my frame of mind completely." She passed out, and I picked her pockets. Some people will accept anything in the name of pre-millennial tension...)An hour of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer is more vital, alive, witty, attractive, FUN than this, and that's a fucking disgrace to every gonadless executive who greenlighted this unholy mess. Look at the money and then look at the product. Take note of the discrepancy, you will be tested. Perhaps you'll argue that all that dosh is the source of the problem, clogging the arteries of any mildly noticeable type of invention. Perhaps, but couldn't they could have at least sprung for some decent special effects. They're bombastic, large-scale and loud, but they are also utterly graceless, tired retreads of scenes we've all seen a hundred times before. At the very least an action movie should have "kick-ass" action scenes, but this movie is tedious from go to woe, from excruciating conversations to over-literal cliffhangers, and that's why it struck me as particularly loathsome. It's a failure on every level, a mangy dog that requires your bullet quick smart. Then happiness would truly be a warm gun.
adam rivett
comments? email the authorNote: I did not see this film at a preview screening, but as a member of a paying holiday audience. I therefore donated nine dollars of my hard-learned dollars to the advancement of cinematic retardation worldwide. Regardless of the morally acceptable negative review terminus I still find this a depressing paradox, one I won't have to stomach the day every film I see will be in an executive cinema and I have a running tab at the bar. Cheers.
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